“If It Were Me, I Would…”

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:1-2, 19‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Day five post I 131 and still in seclusion. I read those verses today and they resonated so deeply in me. Many would call this time in my life a desert and believe me considering the temps outside it’s pretty close. However, I have been surrounded by people who are determined to point out the rivers and lead me from the sand. The Lord has put some amazing people in my life that have really allowed me to have some joyous moments in this time which has been a blessing beyond words and for that I am so grateful. 

I’ve had care packages and silly text messages. My husband went waaaaaaay out of the way to go to my favorite coffee shop and procure some of my favorite vanilla powder to enjoy with my coffee. That was in addition to many other things he has done, include being the sole person to care for our very rambunctious 19 month old. All of these things have made what could be a very bad experience much, much more tolerable. 

But, it’s still difficult to be secluded from everything. And like the previous posts I do not want this to come off as me complaining. I am writing this so if you are about to go through this, you get a peek through the eyes of somebody who lived it. 

During our consult appointment my Nuc Med Doc kept saying, “if it were me, I would.” I am now convinced that it hasn’t been him. I still appreciate the advice he gave, but hypothetically telling somebody what you “would do” is much different than actually living it. 

“If it were me I would change the sheets every day.”

I did follow his advice on this one, but let me tell you, it was not an easy undertaking for me. I would wake up exhausted and have to summon the energy to get up and strip the bed then get my laundry from the day before ready so I could throw it in the laundry with the sheets and thus only have to worry about one load a day. Which my hubby did help with. 

Once I got my clean clothes ready and set out, I would jump in the shower put on my fresh clothes and then put the clean linens on. This was in a effort to minimize anything transferring from my dirty clothes. When that task was complete I would usually climb in bed and take a bit of a nap as I was typically tired at this point. 

“If it were me, I would sweat a lot.”

At the time of my consult I was still on some sort of thyroid meds, so I was still able to work out and figured, ok that seems simple enough. Yeah, not so much. Day one post I 131 I did take a walk it was slow, but much needed. Luckily nobody was out or about in the neighborhood so there weren’t a lot of witnesses to the lady walking around with gardening gloves on and a plastic bag wrapped around her phone. 

I did get a few walks in but I never had the energy to actually get a good sweat in, so that suggestion I wasn’t able to follow. 

I should also add a disclaimer that everybody is different, so I can’t say that you won’t be able to workout, I just know that I wasn’t able to. 

Throughout this experience, I can say that the Lord has pointed out a few things to me. One of the most important is to be present. I would catch myself muting whatever I was watching or listening to so I could listen to my husband and son interact. Just hearing their conversations and their voices was so comforting. The joy in their voices and the fun they were having made me smile, and cry, if I’m 100 percent honest. Our bedroom window looks into the backyard so I was able to peek out the window and watch our little one play outside. At one point I witnessed him figure out how to put a toy in the proper place on his own for the first time. I was so proud of him and I might have missed it if i was down there distracted by my phone or the television. It was something I was convicted of before, but it really took hold because that was ALL I had and I didn’t want to miss a single second of the short time I could observe him playing. So I plan to be more present in all the moments, because they truley are fleeting. 

Another thing the Lord pointed out was that although I was alone physically I was not actually alone. I had the love of those who supported me and their thoughts. It reminded me that although we can’t physically see God, He is here, His love for us, and His Spirit are surrounding us. He always is, even if we are the only ones in the room. And what an amazing thing that is, to have that comfort when you are sitting in your room alone waiting to get out and interact with your loved ones again. It doesn’t always make it easy, but it has made it easier, at least. 

And with that, I leave you, waiting out the last few hours of my exile. 

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